Fascinating and Childlike

Being fascinating and childlike is confusing. How do you do it? When I first started reading Fascinating Womanhood I also thought "How?!" because we are not brought up to be childlike or fascinating; we are brought up to be composed and independent. So I've decided to post some literary examples to help you better grasp the concept. These examples come from novels written by men and give us a glimpse into what these men find fascinating.

Below is an extract from David Copperfield written by Charles Dickens.

“She was a fairy and a sylph. She was more than human to me. I don’t know what she was, anything that no one ever saw and everything that everyone ever wanted. She had the most delightful little voice, the gayest little laugh, the pleasantest and most fascinating little ways that ever led a lost youth into hopeless slavery. She was rather diminutive altogether... She was too bewildering. To see her lay the flowers against her dimpled chin was to lose all presence of mind and power of language in feeble ecstacy.”... When David thought of her he said: “I could only sit down before the fire, biting the key of my carpet bag, and think of the captivating, girlish, bright-eyed, lovely Dora. What a form she had, what a face she had, what a graceful, variable, enchanting manner.”

From the novel and above passage we see that Dora fascinated David. She had an enchanting manner; she was childlike and girlish. She had tender little ways: the way she laid the flowers against her dimpled chin, patted the horses, or spanked her little dog fascinated him. She was radiantly happy. She was bright-eyed and dependent; hopelessly in need of masculine protection and guidance. This is a perfect example of captivating feminine girlishness. I'm sure we would all like to inspire such feelings of adoration in a man.

What to Study?

For those young readers who are reaching the end of their school careers choosing what to study after school is daunting. How can you choose what career to go into when all you know is your home-town, the school you go to and your friends? The world is so big and there is so much to discover; so much opportunity.

So how do you decide what to study? Personality tests are good; aptitude tests are good. These tell you where your interests lie and what you are good at, but also of importance is whether there is a market for your preferred career. What is the point of studying to become an elephant whisperer if there is no work for such a field in your country of residence? If you want to live in India, great become an elephant whisperer! But if you stay in Italy you are unlikely to find work after your gruelling three years of studying.

Here is my tip. As you start coming to the end of your school career take the personality test and take the aptitude test. But also look at the job market. Brows internet sites such as pnet.co.za or jobs.ac.uk or russianjobsonline.com. Don’t just do it once, go back every week for a couple of months. This will indicate who is employing and what vacancies there are in the job market. Sure, the job market changes over the years, but if your interest lies in design, study graphic design instead of fashion design if the job market is that way inclined.

If, however, you know exactly what you want to do go ahead! Follow your dreams, work hard and your passion will make you successful.

Dealing With Conflict

Early on in our married life I found we disagreed and fought more than half the week. There was a period of about four months when we experienced conflict in almost everything. Right now I can’t say I even remember what our “fights” were about, but at the time it was awful. We were opposing teams trying to live under the same roof.

The problem was we didn’t know how to handle conflict (as most of us don't!). It’s important to talk about what upsets you if you are to prevent resentment building, but once you have, what then? I remember telling J what bothers me, and afterwards we ended up looking at each other and blinking like owls, not knowing what to say next. Speaking to your partner about what bothers you is important and it is of utmost importance to come to a conclusion otherwise you will have the same fight over and over again.

Humility is key here. You have to hear your partner without interrupting him or getting defensive or blaming. This takes self-control because our natural tendency is to defend ourselves. Dealing with conflict is like ongoing negotiation. It is possible for both to win but you have to hear each other’s sides. You are a team. If you are the winner in conflict you are actually cancelling out the winning side with a losing side, which is your partner’s.

This is how to deal with conflict:

• You mention your frustration and how, what Partner does, makes you feel. Don’t accuse Partner by saying “You always talk over me”. Rather say “It hurts me when you talk over me because it makes me feel unimportant and unappreciated”. This accuses the behaviour and not the person.

• Give Partner a chance to sympathise and, if you are kind, voice his frustrations: “I understand that when I do that it makes you feel unimportant and unappreciated. I am sorry. I don’t mean to cause you such feelings. I feel like I don’t get a chance to speak because you have so much to say.” Partner then asks what you would like him to do to fix the problem.

• You sympathise and tell Partner what you would like: “I didn’t know I don't give you a chance to talk. I am sorry. I would like you to give me a chance to finish what I am saying”. You then ask what you can do for Partner.

• Partner responds and mentions what you can do: “Ok I won’t interrupt you anymore. I would like you to give me a chance to talk”.

• You don't know when he wants to talk so you ask how you can do that.

• Partner gives ideas for what can help: “Maybe I can squeeze your hand to let you know I also want to say something or I can look at you and say your name to grab your attention”.

• You say: “Ok look at me and say my name and I will know you want to talk. I will then just finish what I am saying”.

• So Partner will not interrupt you and you will give Partner a chance to talk. You both get what you want; you both win!

At the resolution of this conflict both parties know how the other feels and have come to an agreement as to how to fix the problem. Because there is a solution, this fight is closed and should not need to be repeated in the future. Also, both parties get what they want. This is constructive: it allows both parties to feel they are moving forward rather than being stuck and kept in bondage by unresolved conflict. 

Understand that this method is unnatural so you will need to be patient with yourself and with your parnter. It works both ways: you or he can initiate the process depending on who is unhappy. Discuss the techniques with him and give it a try the next time you have a disagreement.