Fascinating Feminine

That Little Word 'Feminine'

Photo by CK Metro Photography

So this is where the principles of Fascinating Womanhood come into play... and I literally mean play! It is fun and interesting. I say fun because when you apply the principles of Fascinating Womanhood you will see amazing changes in your husband and your marriage. I say interesting because the book is inspiring, but challenging to apply. It is a challenge for me as a result of our “modern” way of thinking; as a result of my upbringing; and so also as a result of my own “formed” tendencies. But this blog is not about teaching you these principles or about the challenges they possess. It is about having fun being a woman - being feminine. Buy the book and read it! Or send me a message for more information about it.

Having read Fascinating Womanhood myself I started to apply the principles when I first started dating my husband. It saved many an argument and helped me gain an appreciation for what it is to be a man and in doing so also appreciate my role as a woman. It also gave him opportunity to step up and take the role of leader, protector and provider. After we got married I fell back a bit, had to be reminded about Fascinating Womanhood and picked it up again. Interestingly when I applied the principles everything would be wonderful. When I neglected the principles or chose to ignore them we fought, there was tension and we were generally unhappy (especially myself because I was not being adored). 

To Be Adored

Let me tell you how Fascinating Womanhood has enriched my life and my marriage.

• My husband loves and adores me; he is in love with me and yes our marriage is still young (we have been married just over a year) but as for the first year of marriage being the most difficult year, well, it was an adjustment but as I tell everyone: “It is wonderful”.

• My husband speaks gently to me. Not harshly.

•  He says my name with tenderness and fondness.

•  He phones me almost everyday from work. If he doesn’t phone, he texts me.

•  He phones me to let me know he is leaving work or that he is going to be late.

• He protects me. He provides for me. He holds me in highest regard, as though I were a goddess, which we all are by the way. We are all of royal descend.

• He wears his wedding ring with pride and loves to show me off. He loves to introduce me as his wife.

•  He eats the squashed apple and gives the good apple to me.

•  He cuddles me and kisses me for no reason

•  On one occasion I was cooking in my little dress, heels and a frilly apron. As he walked through the door after coming home from work he just stopped right in his tracks. With a huge smile on his face and lots of praise he came straight to me. He couldn’t stop telling me how much he loved it and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. It took double time to finish cooking the meal!

•  He greets me with enthusiasm, always with a kiss and a hug.

•  He carries me across puddles (really!), holds the umbrella over my head, opens the car door for me, parks closest to shelter when it rains.

•  He loves to treat me: to buy me a new dress, to take me for cheese cake and coffee, to take me shopping.

•  He makes effort to speak my love language.

Why does he do all these things? Yes he is a good man and yes he has always been a gentleman but remember when I failed to follow Fascinating Womanhood it didn’t go well? And remember the guy who didn’t walk me to the gate? I believe he too could actually want to do these things. Remember a man wants a beauty to rescue. He wants to feel strong and capable. He wants to feel masculine and the best way is for him to see his masculinity contrasted against your femininity. As Helen Andelin puts it “Femininity has great appeal to men, for it is such a contrast to their own strong and firm masculinity. This contrast, when brought to a man’s attention, causes him to feel more masculine, and this realization of his masculine strength and ability is one of the most enjoyable sensations he can experience”. Your vulnerability, your helplessness, your need of protection inspires him to provide it and gives him a kick out of feeling strong and capable. My point is there is hope for those who feel a little neglected.

Don’t think that being helpless and in need of protection is a bad thing. It is not a weakness, it is a gift. It means you don’t have to carry a heavy travel bag or DIY around the house. It means you don’t have to take out the trash or change your own tire. You can if you want to but why when you don’t?

His Inspiration

Photo by CK Metro Photography

 You may ask what I did to inspire him to such affection and my answer is the following:

•  I told my husband I accept him at face value and then I did not try to change him or criticize his character or the things he does.

•  I make him number one. He is above my career, my family, and my friends. His comfort and happiness is of utmost importance to me. When it comes to his work I will move wherever he needs to go. I will not refuse to move to remain close to my family. 

•  I listen to him intently and appreciate the man behind the story.

•  I give him the respect due such a calling and sacrifice as masculine responsibility.

•  I give him room to make mistakes. It was difficult in the beginning because I worried about the consequences but I have faith that God would work everything out for good.

•  I give him sympathetic understanding. He works hard during the day to provide our bread. He suffers stress and deadlines and late office hours. He sacrifices leisure time to provide for us and when he is done he hurries home to me. That is in need of appreciation. When he needs to stay late I don’t complain I sympathize. When he doesn’t let me know he will be late I accept he may be busy or has lost track of time.

•  I don’t do masculine things. I give him jars to open when they are too tight. I don’t carry heavy objects. I ask him to hang the pictures or fix the washing machine. If he forgets I tell him why I want him to do it and why I am excited for it to be done and leave it at that.

•  I take care of my appearance and do everything to make sure I look feminine. I have grown my hair, I paint my nails, I wear dresses and skirts, I do my make-up.

•  I have adopted a feminine manner. I talk gently. I am polite. I do not use coarse language. I do not participate in horse-play or punch someone’s shoulder to fit in with the gang.

•  I thank him for the things he does and appreciate his masculinity.

Do these things and you will already see a change. Remember "Femininity awakens a man's tender, romantic feelings." 

Let me know how it goes!

The Appearance of Feminine

Apart from being feminine in nature and character we can also be feminine in appearance and manner. As Helen Andelin says ”A noticeable characteristic of the feminine woman is that she gives careful attention to her looks. She doesn’t neglect her hair, face, figure or clothes. She tries to look pretty at all times”. The advice I give on the feminine appearance has been adapted from Andelin’s book. I, being a boyish girl from childhood, needed to learn to dress feminine. If you are used to wearing jeans and sneakers it is quite challenging to wear a dress or heels! At the end of this section I will offer some tips on how to “fake” femininity or at least ease into it!

Fabric Weave: Wear soft crisp cottons, linen, fine woollens, silk, lace, organza, chiffon, satin or anything soft and womanly. Shimmer fabric also looks lovely if used in moderation.

 Fabric Colour: When choosing fabric colour think of the flowers of a garden: they are colourful and cheerful. Wear soft pastels or rich colours depending on your skin tone. Try to avoid the colours of men such as brown or kakhi. These are too dull for you. You can wear black but I would suggest wearing it in the evening. It is too harsh for daywear.If you can't avoid black try wearing a black skirt with a colourful blouse. In your choice of colour try to appear fresh and pretty.

Fabric Design: When choosing a print make sure it is in good taste. Avoid designs that are loud or gaudy. The design should not overwhelm the woman but should be soft and womanly. In choosing fabric design also consider your size. A petite woman would look lovely in a design with small flowers. A larger woman should choose a design of medium flowers. The design should be in proportion to the woman. For example a small design on a large woman would cause her to appear even larger.

Style: Choose a style that is opposite to that of a man’s. Try to avoid masculine jackets and button shirts. Power dressing is masculine and aggressive and I would not recommend it if you want to appear soft and feminine. However separately pairing the items of a suite could be feminine if it is paired with feminine dress. For example you could wear a full skirt and a soft feminine top with a suite jacket for contrast. Dresses and skirts are feminine because they do not form part of a man’s wardrobe so try to include as many as possible. Include also ruffles, gathers, pleats and full skirts in your wardrobe.

Shoes: The ultimate feminine shoe is the heel. These on the left are the most beautiful I have seen! Wear heels to appear extra feminine. Other shoes that are feminine are open sandals and pumps. Avoid sneakers or slops – they appear clumsy and don’t accentuate your delicate feet.

Accessories and make-up: Do wear pretty jewellery and scarves with your outfits. Again, proportion is important. Accentuate your curves with a belt. Do your make-up tastefully in a manner that is not overbearing or harsh. Try to accentuate you nature beauty by balancing your make-up. Don’t wear base, blush, eye shadow, eyeliner, mascara and lipstick. It looks overdone. Rather wear mascara and a striking lipstick or colour your eyes with shadow and wear a clear lip-gloss. The older you are the lighter your make-up needs to be. A woman over 50 looks lovely with some soft eyeliner and mascara. Remember God made us beautiful - so much so that the angels of heaven came down to take women as their wives (Gen 6:1-2). And that was before make-up!

From Pants and Sneakers to Heels and Feminine

There is good news for those who feel self-conscious about wearing heels and dresses: you get used to it and it becomes easier! Until Matric I didn’t have one skirt in my closet; I didn’t have one dress. After my first skirt it took me six years to learn to wear heels, but only because I didn’t have help from my dear sister until my first year of working. 

When you are used to wearing something it is hard to change your style because you feel awkward in anything else. Still today when I get into my bikini after a long winter I feel naked. I almost can’t get myself to drop my towel and get into the swimming pool! Towards the end of the summer I am so comfortable. I have no problem walking to the swimming pool without a towel. So how can we learn to be comfortable in feminine clothes? Start changing one thing at a time.

Start by changing your jeans for a long skirt. If you are used to wearing pants it is difficult to go to a skirt because pants are so comfortable, and they cover so much. The good news is, long skirts cover just as much and are also comfortable. Depending on your choice long skirts have the added benefit of elegance - so much better than jeans.

Wear pumps with your skirts. If you are used to wearing sneakers pumps are a good alternative. They are “sneaker-ish” in appearance and wear but so much daintier. As you get more comfortable opt for knee length skirts too! 

The heels are the most difficult part because, having always worn flat shoes, heels seem over the top. At this point buy a nice pair of heels and pair them with jeans. The pants cover the shoes a bit and you don’t feel like you’re showing them or yourself off. As you become comfortable start wearing heels with a skirt when you go out at night. This offers an excuse to wear heels in a situation that seems appropriate. Once you have reached this point start wearing your heels in the day with skirts. Opt for a low heel at first such as a kitten heel and then go for something a bit higher if you like. 

Although we always try to look pretty and feminine sometimes we have bad days when all we want to do is put on our jeans and a T-shirt. Don’t be too hard on yourself when you find yourself just doing this. 

Keep going! Soon you will look and feel like the goddess that you are...

Feminine Character

Found at www.fash-screen.com

The ideal woman should not only dress femininely, have a feminine manner and refinement but she should also have a feminine character: something that makes her alluring at a deeper level. I like to think of it this way: her appearance and manner attracts a man; her character keeps him. Andelin says: “A man wants a woman of fine character, one he can place on a pedestal and hold in high regard.” She should have a worthy character. Traits include:

• Self-mastery

• Unselfishness

• Charity

• Humility

• Responsibility

• Diligence

• Patience

• Honesty

• Moral courage

• Chastity

• Deep inner happiness

• Deep and steady faith in God

All these qualities show strength of character. Self-mastery is the ability to sacrifice one’s desires and is achievable through fasting and prayer. The need to lean on God during a time of fasting strengthens a woman spiritually. Fasting can include anything from TV to chocolates, but should be something she is “addicted” to.

Moral courage is also needed for strength. A woman with such righteous courage has the confidence to stand up for what is right. She will not allow others walk over her, or those who can’t defend themselves. Such a woman would say to her boyfriend: “treat me well or I’m gone” and then she would leave when his behaviour doesn’t improve. She is the woman who will speak her mind - sometimes gently, sometimes sternly - but won’t be afraid to offend.This also includes the quality of being feisty.

Chastity is, in my opinion, the most important of the qualities of strength because it requires so many of the others. It requires moral courage to go against that which is seen by society as normal (to have sex before marriage); it requires patience; it requires self-mastery; and it requires honesty (with yourself and your partner). In marriage it means to remain faithful to your husband, in mind and body and at all times. Such a woman has character that is unbreakable. She is like a tree in gale-force winds: she may bend under the force but she will remain standing. A woman desiring a man's deep respect should practise chastity.

Often the sigma attached to a woman who is feminine, gentle and submissive is that she is weak: vacillating as her husband and the world dictates her. All the qualities listed above show feminine strength and character at its best, yet none is exclusive of submission or a gentle nature. It is important to remember there is a difference between masculine strength and feminine strength. Masculine strength is more visible but feminine strength often goes undetected.

A woman of such worthy character is invaluable to her husband. He can count on her as counsellor and encourager; she can provide insight and wisdom into certain situations; and she will have the ability to cover his back. Such a woman is a great threat to the enemy, and as such, is consistently involved in spiritual warfare. “Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life” (NLT Prov 31:11-12)

How to survive the workplace 

and still maintain your femininity

The workplace is a harsh environment. It is driven by deadlines, difficult clients, tough decision-making and cut-throat competition. It is in my opinion a war zone where blows are taken to character and spirit rather than body. For this very reason men are often cut down, and so for a woman it is likewise the most difficult in all her endeavours. Here her words are taken lightly, she encounters resistance or her authority is usurped (internally or externally); she is pushed, criticized and in constant competition to perform (just like all her male colleagues).

The workplace is hard on a feminine spirit: one of gentleness, compassion, patience and kindness. A woman in a career needs to harden herself and shield herself from criticism; she needs to harden her emotions when making decisions and stand firm when someone challenges her. In my experience it is extremely difficult to remain feminine in such an environment. It is not impossible, but realize that some of your feminine traits will be lost (recoverable when you leave the work environment). You will still be feminine but you can not afford to be entirely feminine or you will be destroyed.

Jobs that are of a more masculine nature are those which offer the most threat to your femininity and are the hardest in terms of harshness. These jobs are found in technical fields, finance, industry or construction, and include among others, jobs in the field of engineering and the built environment, business, politics, military or mechanics. These careers have just recently (within the last century) been opened to women, simply in my opinion, because they are not conducive to a women’s nature: they require either strength, tough and sometimes brutal decision-making or hardness of character.

If however you are trained in a more feminine profession you will receive less resistance and it will be easier in terms of harshness. This includes any kind of care-giving, child-care, creative or supportive work:

• Nursing - equivalent to caring for family members

• Nutrition - equivalent to feeding a family

• Teaching - equivalent to teaching your children

• Secretarial - equivalent to supporting your husband by handling admin affairs

• Fashion - equivalent to clothing your family

• Interior design or decorating - equivalent to making a home

• Spa therapy, hair-dressing and make-up.

• The arts – expressing your creativity. Otherwise known traditionally as accomplishments.

It is important when you work not to lose your femininity since this is what attracts masculinity. The way to be feminine at work is to dress femininely and be somewhat gentle in character, but also feisty with moral courage when needed.

Wearing masculine clothes will cause men to see you more masculine and they may treat you as such. They may take what you say more seriously but they may also treat you more harshly and critically, the same as they would another man. Dressing feminine will cause men to treat you more like a woman. They will be gentler in their approach with you and will not be overly harsh or critical. This will allow you in turn to be gentler in nature. However, you may find they will be very strong in what they want and will expect you to follow.

You will also need to protect your heart and harden it against your male colleagues. This is especially important when you are married since men in the workplace appear confident, smart and good leaders. You do not see their weaknesses and struggles like you do your own husband’s. This can be dangerous since it may cause you to see your husband in a less favourable light.

The way I balanced femininity and masculine work

In my professional life as a Landscape Architect I dressed feminine and the office men treated me less harshly. When I worked with a man on a project I listened to what he wanted me to do. If I thought I had more to add or a better idea I would state it plainly but not aggressively. He listened and if he liked my idea he would agree and we would do it my way; if he still thought his idea was better we did it his way.

To give in like this does not mean to be weak and relinquish your conviction; it simply means you choose to do what your male colleague thinks is right. You can say: “Ok, I don’t agree with you but we will do it your way”. This is easier to do in a design profession since there is no right or wrong answer; almost impossible in a technical field where a wrong answer may be disastrous. Giving in is also easier to do when your boss is a man; harder to do when your co-worker is a man. You must realize though that this way will not advance you quickly to the top. You will need to decide what it is you want for yourself: whether you want a career or whether you just want work to pay the bills.

Working with women colleagues is also tough because they compete with you; they want to do better than you and will at times cut you down to make themselves feel less threatened. Here is where hardness against criticism is important and a feisty answer may be needed. This must however be done innocently: stating plainly without judgement or accusation that what your colleague did is wrong. It is in my opinion the most difficult to work with women since they do not have the same gentleness with you as a man would. You may even find that women are mean to you simply because you are feminine and they may jealous. Always be strong and keep your side clean. That way you will always have a righteous confidence and no one will be able to catch you out.