Dealing With Conflict

Early on in our married life I found we disagreed and fought more than half the week. There was a period of about four months when we experienced conflict in almost everything. Right now I can’t say I even remember what our “fights” were about, but at the time it was awful. We were opposing teams trying to live under the same roof.

The problem was we didn’t know how to handle conflict (as most of us don't!). It’s important to talk about what upsets you if you are to prevent resentment building, but once you have, what then? I remember telling J what bothers me, and afterwards we ended up looking at each other and blinking like owls, not knowing what to say next. Speaking to your partner about what bothers you is important and it is of utmost importance to come to a conclusion otherwise you will have the same fight over and over again.

Humility is key here. You have to hear your partner without interrupting him or getting defensive or blaming. This takes self-control because our natural tendency is to defend ourselves. Dealing with conflict is like ongoing negotiation. It is possible for both to win but you have to hear each other’s sides. You are a team. If you are the winner in conflict you are actually cancelling out the winning side with a losing side, which is your partner’s.

This is how to deal with conflict:

• You mention your frustration and how, what Partner does, makes you feel. Don’t accuse Partner by saying “You always talk over me”. Rather say “It hurts me when you talk over me because it makes me feel unimportant and unappreciated”. This accuses the behaviour and not the person.

• Give Partner a chance to sympathise and, if you are kind, voice his frustrations: “I understand that when I do that it makes you feel unimportant and unappreciated. I am sorry. I don’t mean to cause you such feelings. I feel like I don’t get a chance to speak because you have so much to say.” Partner then asks what you would like him to do to fix the problem.

• You sympathise and tell Partner what you would like: “I didn’t know I don't give you a chance to talk. I am sorry. I would like you to give me a chance to finish what I am saying”. You then ask what you can do for Partner.

• Partner responds and mentions what you can do: “Ok I won’t interrupt you anymore. I would like you to give me a chance to talk”.

• You don't know when he wants to talk so you ask how you can do that.

• Partner gives ideas for what can help: “Maybe I can squeeze your hand to let you know I also want to say something or I can look at you and say your name to grab your attention”.

• You say: “Ok look at me and say my name and I will know you want to talk. I will then just finish what I am saying”.

• So Partner will not interrupt you and you will give Partner a chance to talk. You both get what you want; you both win!

At the resolution of this conflict both parties know how the other feels and have come to an agreement as to how to fix the problem. Because there is a solution, this fight is closed and should not need to be repeated in the future. Also, both parties get what they want. This is constructive: it allows both parties to feel they are moving forward rather than being stuck and kept in bondage by unresolved conflict. 

Understand that this method is unnatural so you will need to be patient with yourself and with your parnter. It works both ways: you or he can initiate the process depending on who is unhappy. Discuss the techniques with him and give it a try the next time you have a disagreement.