When your husband is harsh or critical

All men are harsh at times. Not because it is any fault of their own but simply because they are tougher, harder, and more aggressive. We on the other hand have our feelings easily hurt. My heart is soft and a harsh word can easily upset me. What makes it easier to handle, or even to change your husband’s reaction, is the way you respond. This is all part of “A Childlike Response” covered in Fascinating Womanhood.

In summary it means you defend yourself the way a little girl would. It does not mean getting angry shouting and screaming like a crazy woman, or accusing your husband of everything he does wrong. Rather, it is to be innocent: to deal with the anger in the way a child would. A child would be hurt and look at you with big eyes and a quivering lip. She would not yell and point fingers. Think of your kitten. When you scold it for doing something naughty it looks at you with those sweet little eyes, playfully and sometimes with a little mew. You can’t help but cuddle it! Puss in boots from the movie Shrek knows exactly how!

In the same way when your husband is angry or harsh with you try to appear gentle and small. This often has the effect of waking him up to his harshness. Andelin suggests a number of ways in which to deflect his anger but the easiest I find is one of two responses:

• Distract him from his anger by cuddling up to him and then when he continues to scold you step back and look ever so sorry; sit on his lap and admire his tie or do something else to distract him.

• Look at him with big eyes and ask gently and ever so sweetly if you have offended him.

The responses my husband shows:

• When I cuddle up to him and kiss him playfully in the neck he is disarmed. He continues to scold me but less angrily. When I step back and look sorry the corners of his mouth start to turn up even though he wants to remain angry. When I try to do the “kitten thing” again and cuddle up to him he gives up and we both end up laughing. (Most often it doesn’t go passed the first cuddle)

• I look at him with big eyes and ask sweetly if I offended him. Sometimes I may even add a flinch before getting wide-eyed. J will look as though he got a fright, and ask if he was harsh. He then cuddles me and talks gently to me.

This may seem ridiculous to some but it works to diffuse anger and prevent any ensuing arguments. Remember a man’s masculinity is inspired by your femininity. When you are gentle and feminine he can’t help but want to shelter and protect you and that includes protecting you from his anger or harshness.